


Selfish goddess

by Misanthrop



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-30
Updated: 2014-06-30
Packaged: 2018-02-06 19:50:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1870230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misanthrop/pseuds/Misanthrop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After she escaped with Reiner and Bertholdt Ymir is left exhausted but sleepless and ponders about her decisions</p>
            </blockquote>





	Selfish goddess

**Author's Note:**

> Set directly after the extra pages of volume 12.  
> If you don't know what they are about you can read here  
> http://midori-tako.tumblr.com/post/75701843660/shingeki-no-kyojin-vol-12-extra-chapter-scanlation  
> or here http://manga-mango-manga.tumblr.com/post/69404892373 
> 
> I have altered the dialogue a tad bit
> 
> Thanks to Amanda and Jordan

Bertholdt gulped and turned away, not able to look at Ymir anymore, knowing what was set for her future and which part he played in it. He, alongside Reiner, held the biggest part of responsibility for it after all. "Thank you Ymir... I'm sorry."

Shrugging it off, Ymir said, "It's ok. Playing goddess isn't such a bad feeling," and reached out for the full moon over them. They all fell silent, bare of anything to say. After a few moments Ymir rolled over, facing away from her - to some extent - involuntary companions and wiped away the small tears that had welled up with her sleeve.

"You're not scheming anything I hope," Reiner's voice came to her low and grumpy and heavy with exhaustion.

Ymir laughed and tried to arrange herself as comfortable as possible without anything on the cold stone of the wall. "I told you, I'm tired. Not a chance I could go anywhere besides dreamworld."

"Fine," he grumbled. "Bert, you'll keep watch first. Wake me in a few hours and don't leave her out of sight for a single moment. We can't lose her."  
"Alright," Bert replied, shifting his position so he could sit a tad more comfortable cross-legged. "Will do." He still wasn't able to pay Ymir more than a short glimpse.  
"I'm serious, everything will be lost if she-"  
"Reiner! I _won't_ let her get away. I won't."  
The blond guy sunk back from the alarmed position he unconsciously had gotten himself into and nodded. Without another word he lied down, fixating on their hostage's back.

Ymir glanced back over her shoulder, thin smirk spread over her lips. "Back to our old warrior-self, aren't we, soldier boy?" she sneered at Reiner.

He gave her back nothing more than a quick sullen grimace, closing his eyes afterwards and leaving her with the hollow mockery hanging in the air. A quick ook at Bertholdt told her that there was no use trying to take her frustration out on him at the moment. He finally managed to steady his look on her but seemed to want nothing more than avoig thetting caught in a blaze of snarky remarks.

She turned around again, lay down her head on her arm - and waited. Waited for sleep to hit her soon; she didn't lie when she said she was too tired to give escaping more than a vague thought. Not only was she in dire need of rest but also wanted to get away from the silence that left too much room for her to really realize what her decisions and actions meant. 'Playing goddess' was what she had said but she couldn't even grant herself the wish of sleep.

 _I_ did _play goddess, didn't I?_ she thought. _Toying with everyone's fate just to save her. And with her life and feelings. So often and so long..._

Against her will, memories of all the instances she manipulated people, most of all Historia, began to slip through her restless mind one by another. If she was honest she couldn't find anything else she did the past years. Even before they met her first thoughts about Historia were how to use her. How to gain something from her. And as they met and after? She couldn't have let that suicidal walking mask die and let her efforts of finding her go to waste.

Ymir twitched at that thought. _How did I even grow attached to her?_

It didn't matter anymore. It happened and now keeping Historia alive was still the most important thing to her but for other reasons.

 _She changed._ Again for a good part due to Ymir's subtle doings. Each and every rude comment, insult, mean remark and use of others had slowly dug and tickled something more sincere out of Historia than what that fable named _Christa Renz_ was. Most of the time that hadn't even been Ymir's goal but she had to admit that in not so few situations she only had been nasty because she had noticed a chance to spark some of that blonde's slumbering anger she knew she could tick off by aiming at some nerves.

Or the countless nights she had held her close to prevent her from having nightmares. Ymir remembered how Sasha once, short after she saw them arm in arm one morning, said that she could be nice after all. Ymir snorted quietly at that. By that time she only had been driven by the idea of getting Historia more comfortable with her than anyone else so she'd stay close and trust her.

And then she started to steadily like the short stuff more and more.

_Didn't bring me to let go off old habits, hm? Like being the selfish prick I am._

Selfish enough to risk what became so precious to her solely to see it one last time after she almost threw away her own life to save it before. And selfish enough to almost risk that yet again in exchange for her own safety by taking it away from the security of her comrades and the city.

And selfish enough to break Historia's heart.

Ymir knew, better than anyone, that what she did broke Historia's heart. She didn't need to be with her to know it. Running away, like it must seem to her, just when they both survived what seemed to be inevitable death, just when they both revealed their secrets, when they made their promise to live for themselves and when they almost breathed the drama all that filled the air within just a day - what other impact could it have on Historia than to hurt her deeply?

But Ymir also knew it could have been worse. She probaly gave away her own life, again, if she didn't come up with a glorious plan to save her ass on the way to Reiner's and Bertholdt's hometown, Reiner himself said so. Yet in the end her last act of playing with Historia wasn't leaving. Keeping another secret from her was. And she just gave away the chance to ever reveal it, too.

"I love you... I love you...," she mumbled almost soundless.

Those were the words she never would be able to say. The secret she wanted to unveil far more badly than the other and yet didn't do so for good measure. She knew Historia felt similar, it was so evident to her in all tiny words and gestures. Just not to Historia herself. And by keeping silent, Ymir kept her from realizing. Her last act of manipulation.

With how the situation was now Historia was left, hurt and betrayed by a friend she thought was faithful to her. Not by a lover.

"Did you say something?" she heard Bertholdt's question.

Ymir didn't even care to look at him when she asked "I'm never going to see her again, right?"

She was left without a reply.

A faint sigh left her and the last thing the noticed before exhaustion finally keeled her over and graciously got her away from her thoughts were the tears that came back and tardy run down her face.


End file.
